“When people talk listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen. Nor do they observe. You should be able to go into a room and when you come out know everything that you saw there and not only that. If that room gave you any feeling you should know exactly what it was that gave you that feeling.”
Ernest Hemingway, Across the River and into the Trees
My them this month is “understanding”. One of the key elements for me to understanding is to learn how to become an active listener. David Brooks, political opinion columnist for the New York Times, commented that active listening is an invitation to express. One way to think of it is through the metaphor of hospitality. When you are listening, you are like the host of a dinner party. You have set the scene. You’re exuding warmth toward your guests, showing how happy you are to be with them, drawing them closer to where they want to go. When you are speaking, you are like a guest at a dinner party. You are bringing gifts.
If a story someone is telling you starts at the shoulder and ends at the fingertips, where do we stop listening? For most people, around the elbow is where they stop really listening and start formulating their response. This is a problem, because speaking and listening involve many of the same brain areas, so once you go into response mode, your ability to listen deteriorates.
In my view, it is a rare and profound gift to be fully present with someone, and yet, it is something I struggle at times to truly offer. I can look back and see how often did I only half-listen, my minds already formulating my next words, distracted by my own thoughts, or zoning out entirely. How often did I interrupt and become dismissive saying “I know exactly what you are going through”. How often do I interrupt and start offering advice even though there was no request for advice.
As a good listener I control my impatience and listens to learn, rather than to respond. That means I’ll wait for the end of the other person’s comment, and then pause for a few beats to consider how to respond to what’s been said, holding up my hand, so the other person doesn’t just keep on talking. Taking that extra breath creates space for reflection.
There is also the technique of “looping” which I learned in life coaching training. Psychologists use the technique “looping”. That’s when you repeat what someone just said in order to make sure you accurately received what they were trying to communicate. This may seem somewhat clumsy because people tend to believe they are much more transparent than they really are, and that they are being clearer than they really are. Somebody might say, “My mother can be a real piece of work” and assume that the other person knows exactly what she’s talking about……Looping forces you to listen more carefully and hopefully more accurately. The other person will sense the change in you and more importantly that you heard them. Looping is also a good way to keep the other person focused on their core point, rather than drifting away on some tangent
Imagine how powerful it would be if I listened more deeply—if I made a commitment to being fully engaged, to hearing and understanding not just the words, but the emotions and intentions behind them. Listening isn’t just about waiting for your turn to speak; it’s about absorbing what someone else is sharing… and making them feel heard, valued, and understood. As Maya Angelou has said: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”.
It’s about connecting on a level deeper than surface conversations, because when I truly listen, I open a door to empathy, compassion, and a genuine connection. And isn’t that what I am really longing for?
Beyond listening, there is also the art of observing, of truly noticing the world around you. When I walk into a room, can I take a moment to soak in everything. How often do I rush through spaces, my minds preoccupied and my eyes barely registering what’s in front of me. But there’s magic in paying attention, in being mindful of the small details that make every moment unique.
It is a beautiful thing to be a person who listens with my heart, who observes deeply, and who feels fully. It means I am not just drifting through life; I am living it intentionally. It means I am trying to understand people better, because I am making the effort to see and hear them, to pick up on the nuances of their being. It means you can be the kind of person whose presence feels calming, because people know you’re truly there with them, not just waiting for your turn to talk or half-heartedly engaging.
So, when you’re in conversation, let go of the urge to plan your next statement. Take a breath, relax your mind, and give the person speaking your undivided attention. Let yourself be present, fully. When you walk into a room, slow down and really see it. Observe the details, feel the energy, notice the small things that make that moment unique. You’ll find that life becomes richer, fuller, and more meaningful when you learn to listen and observe completely. It’s not just about hearing words or seeing objects—it’s about feeling the fullness of everything around you. It’s about experiencing life, deeply and completely.
At the end, maybe just say: “Thank you for sharing”, and “Just let me know what I can do to support you”.
