All month I having been working with my theme of “just doing my best” and how this impacts my image and my history of perfectionism. I am trying to see if it is even possible for me to attain perfection that I so long strove for. Now, I need also look at the impact of my perfectionism and my perception of others. Do I hold them to standard of some level of perfectionism? Is it even humanly possible for them to attain my lofty expectations I have set for them. In Don Miguel Ruiz’s Companion Book to The Four Agreements, he challenges me describe my image of perfection for those in my world. If I judge others according to my image of perfection naturally, they will fall short of my expectations at some time or another. However, I have never really taken the time to sit down and looked at my expectations of the circle of those around me. Here is the Don Miguel Ruiz exercise:
What is your image of perfection for other people in your life?
My image of perfection for my partner is …
My image of perfection for my child is …
My image of perfection for my parents is …
My image of perfection for my best friend is …
My image of perfection for my co-workers is …
My image of perfection for my boss is …
Now the follow up questions:
What would they have to change about themselves to live up to this?
And the tougher questions:
Have I ever expressed my image of perfection to them or is this an unexpressed expectation?
If I have express to them my expectation, are they willing or able to make these changes? Why or why not?
Is it humanly possible for them to even attain this image of perfection? Why or why not?
Does my image of perfection inspire them to do their best, or does it merely discourage them, thereby creating “dis-ease” in our relationship?
Does my image of perfection for them inspire me. Does it improve my relationship? Or is it a source constant annoyance and frustration for me because they have failed to meet my expectations or made the changes I insisted upon? How many relationships have gone by the wayside because I have had these unexpressed and unrealistic expectations?
If they fail to meet this level of perfectionism, how do I treat them? How do I react when they make a mistake or error. Am I the critical “Judge” as I am to myself. Do I chastised them the same way I chastised myself when I fall short? Even if they try their best, is the message they are not good enough, they are not strong enough, they are not intelligent enough. Have I shown them, there is no hope. They will never please the “Judge” who is part of their life because that Judge is very strict, very strong, and very demanding. Have I become Carlos Castaneda’s “petty tyrant” constantly dogging them?
There is only one way to silence this voice of the Judge is to make a new agreement. If I am going to have agreements, let’s have agreement that make all of us happy. With this new agreement, I change my perspective on perfectionism. Borrowing from Maya Angelou, my perspective on others turns into a warm empathetic and compassionate response…” “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better” and then maybe followed by a big hug! Maybe today send a text to a friend or family member. Just say “I am thinking about you. You are doing a great job and I am wishing you the best!”
Frida Kahlo summed it up beautifully:
“And in the end, I believe that we don’t need to do anything to be loved.
We spend our lives trying to seem prettier, smarter.
But I realized two things.
Those who love us see us with their hearts and attribute qualities to us beyond those we really have.
And those who don’t want to love us will never be satisfied with all our efforts.
Yes, I really believe that it is important to leave our imperfections alone.
They are precious to understand those who see us with the heart. “
Thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz, Maya Angelou, and Frida Kahlo!
*”Petty Tyrant” can be found in Carlos Castaneda’s Book
