Sometimes we need someone to simply be there*•
Not to fix anything or do anything in particular,
but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about!
Closely related to active listening is the concept of “Holding Space”.
Margeaux House is a yoga instructor, lifestyle/wellness blogger, and motivational speaker commented on what it means to hold space:
“A key phrase you may have been hearing lately is “holding space,” but what does that really mean? The definition of holding space is to be present with someone, without judgment. It means you donate your ears and heart without wanting anything in return. It involves practicing empathy and compassion. You accept someone’s truths, no matter what they may be, and put your needs and opinions aside, allowing someone to just be. Holding space may appear to be easy, but sometimes our own opinions and egos can get in the way, making it a bit more difficult to put into practice.
With the traumatic events happening in the world today, the world is at a crucial tipping point of upset and unrest. Many people are feeling anger, grief, loss, depression, and hopelessness, while others feel unsafe and unheard. Now, more than ever, it is important to create safe spaces for those we love to feel heard and held.”
Learning how to effectively hold space for someone is a skill that most people are not taught, but the good news is it is something I can I learn. When I do so, I allow for deep connection and healing.
Here are a few things I I have learned do to get you started on the road to holding space for those in need:
As I discussed in the last post, I start by practicing active listening. Active listening is the art of listening not just to hear what the person is saying but listening to understand. It involves not only your ears but also your heart which I discussed in an earlier post.
I began listening without judgment. This one can be hard for me, but the true definition of nonjudgmental is someone that does not express an opinion. I have been trained to give advice, and it is in my nature to share my opinions, but when holding space for someone, I must remove my opinion from the conversation and allow the other person the space to present theirs. As Brene Brown says “In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.”
I need to practice “Metta” or loving kindness. Loving kindness is a Buddhist philosophy that involves cultivating compassion and love for all living beings, and the self. There is a popular loving kindness meditation mantra that reads:
“May all human beings everywhere be healthy, happy, and free.”
It is the art of sending positive and loving thoughts to all in the universe.
I need to make room for others. When I make room for and allow the other person to feel all that they need to feel. Hold them if they need to cry, or allow them to yell or scream, if necessary.
I need to use the power of my breath. Deep breathing is one of the most powerful ways to stay connected to myself, which will, in turn, allow you to deepen my connection to others.
I need to let go of the “fix it” mentality. My natural instinct based upon my training and experience is to offer solutions when I see people in pain, sometimes mentioning things that might make the person feel better. Holding space may mean “be there to listen only”. The process of moving through pain is individual, and the only way past it is to sit with it. My favorite actress Meryl Streep in May 2024 summed it up concisely: “Over time I stopped talking to those who didn’t listen to me and those who always wanted to be right. I stopped looking for people who would never look for me, I stopped thinking about people who never thought about me.”
The best example of “holding space” is the discussion is below between Pooh Bear and Piglet.
Today was a Difficult Day,” said Pooh.
There was a pause.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Piglet.
“No,” said Pooh after a bit. “No, I don’t think I do.”
“That’s okay,” said Piglet, and he came and sat beside his friend.
“What are you doing?” asked Pooh.
“Nothing, really,” said Piglet. “Only, I know what Difficult Days are like. I quite often don’t feel like talking about it on my Difficult Days either.
“But goodness,” continued Piglet, “Difficult Days are so much easier when you know you’ve got someone there for you. And I’ll always be here for you, Pooh.”
And as Pooh sat there, working through in his head his Difficult Day, while the solid, reliable Piglet sat next to him quietly, swinging his little legs…he thought that his best friend had never been more right.
Again, maybe the best thing is to say, thank you for sharing, and you know I will always be here to support you.
