If I am going to be impeccable with my word, I must be capable of communicating my needs. Abraham Maslow was a well-known American psychologist working in the mid-twentieth century who led the humanistic psychology movement. He argued that needs for individual growth and happiness can’t be met without first satisfying the need for human connection. These were Maslow’s four “A’s” attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. Without bonds of love and affection with others, he argued, we cannot go on to achieve our full potential as human beings. Feelings of connectedness, like feelings of kindness, activate the brain’s attachment system. The “befriend” part of the “tend and befriend” instinct has to do with the human tendency to affiliate, to come together in groups in order to feel secure. For this reason, people who feel connected to others are not as frightened by difficult life circumstances and are more readily able to roll with the punches.
Davidji teaches in his book Sacred Powers: The Five Secrets to Awakening Transformation, that Maslow’s theory was that my needs are fueled by these four basic needs that are in constant dynamic exchange as we move through our lives – attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. Every day, I consciously and unconsciously, flow these ripples out into the world and receive them back in an infinite give-and-take that determines how I feel about myself, how others feel about me, how I interact with the world around me, and how it interacts with me.
These four ripples of the heart set the tone for every encounter I will ever experience – with myself, others, and the environment.
Attention
I want to be seen. I want to be looked at. I work so hard to receive eye contact even if it’s fleeting. This is where I get validated for simply existing. I sense it. I value it. I need it. And every one I interact with needs it too. Attention is the starting point. It’s the “I see you” moment.
Affection
A bit deeper than attention is affection. I want to receive a physical display of that validation—a wink, a nod, a smile, a hug, a kiss, a squeeze, or a kind word. It distills that distant attention I crave down to a level of closeness, where I experience someone’s warmth or fondness for me This ripple has the ability to flow affection throughout the world at the basic level of kindness and the deeper expression of love.
Appreciation
One step deeper than affection is appreciation—moving from a kind word or gesture to genuine gratitude. I want to be thanked, recognized, and acknowledged. I want to feel that I have added value to the moment, task, project, or mission at hand. Appreciation is more overt or public acknowledgment of a good deed, a job well done, or an important contribution. And yet, it can be as simple as a “thank you” from a stranger when you held the door open for them. When you demonstrate simple kindness, you elevate another’s sense of self-worth. Miraculously, this also elevates your own!
Areas of my life where I don’t feel appreciated cause me some angst and result in a wide range of emotions. Right now, there is something I may have worked hard on, or a gift I gave someone and I did not receive the thanks I was expecting. And now I carry a grudge. This little irritant resting under the surface can influence and impact my daily interactions with that person and increases my overall anxiety level.
Acceptance
My need for acceptance drives so much of my daily life and my decisions. I need to feel the ripple of something bigger than me. I crave this acceptance – in the grandest ways and in the smaller moments. Being invited, included, and – most importantly – being welcomed relentlessly influence my sense of self-worth.
When I younger, I based my self-worth on whether I were accepted into groups based on my internal assessment of how cool, relevant, or popular the group was. That hasn’t changed at this stage of my life. My need for support and respect from those I respect can be a powerful driving force in my lives. Nowadays, I do this with where I live and my friends, acquaintances, affiliations to spiritual groups, social media, political parties, and cultures—it’s all about being accepted. Feeling accepted and demonstrating acceptance of others elevates me to a higher vibration of positivity and reinforces my humanity.
Everything is energy with vibration and frequency the important components. So how high am I vibrating now? So how I am rippling in every moment, it will determine how I am presenting in the world. Humans are totally dependent on the feedback of their friends, siblings, parents, teachers, co-workers, bosses, and everyone else with whom they come into contact. Every decision I make is done with the hope of some level of acknowledgment that I am adding value. It’s my external validator that I am connected to and making a difference in my life.
This is where conscious communication comes in. If I am being “impeccable with word”, then why not say how you feel? What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best that could happen?
I have found it is best to use conscious communication to help me express what need or needs are being met or not being met. I can tell them what is my preference. Can I set forth my boundaries. How it is received will depend upon that person’s receptivity and how I consciously expressed it. I must be impeccable with my words.
